Perfection is a perfect hell.

Im fighting these urges in my head like you couldn't even begin to comprehend. It's so sad that I had half a cup of rice and about a cup of this buffalo chicken that was cubed and cooked in a crock pot that my mom made. I just had a little bit. Now I want to devour the rest of it and then go and eat more. It's ridiculous. I cant stand this vicious cycle anymore, I cant stand the pain and the loathing and the self hatred. I cant stand not being able to just eat and be normal, how in my head I am. Why can't I just love myself to accept that people eat to be able to live and eating a little bit is not going to make me gain? I think what's really getting to me is the feeling that I lost control. That feeling of not being able to control what is going to come out of my body, that My body is controlling how it is ingested. That I cant control getting rid of the anxiety and stress. I feel like I am just totally at a loss of say in my life. I don't want to give this up but I know I need to. The feeling of being scared is what is scaring me. I don't know anything different. I feel scared right now. Scared because I don't want to binge but scared because if I don't binge I cant purge and In my head if I don't purge, then I don't know, i've lost control and Im going to gain everything back overnight and be fat and chubby and unattractive. I just want to not gain and in my head if I purge ill keep losing. But realistically I know that hasn't been working. It just makes me fluctuate and its all mainly water weight. I want to get better, I have to get better. I cant keep going on like this. Im not going to lose weight by purging. Its just not going to happen. So what, I'm losing control, was I ever actually in it to begin with?

Control.

Attacking me on something I said when I was frustrated is not fair. What's even worse is that you make me feel like inadequate person. Then you go into your room with your husband and shut the door.. when im sitting right there in the living room. Like I dont know your going to bitch about me? Go ahead, try and make me do something, and ill cling onto this for dear fucking life. Ill go so low you'll want to hospitalize me. I know what im capable of and honestly I dont give a shit anymore. Ill be damned if your going to try to tell me who I am going to be and what Im going to do just because you say I will. Fuck Your Shit. Ill do this however I damn well please.

Obama SignsTobacco Bill -- Politics Daily

Obama SignsTobacco Bill -- Politics Daily: "Obama SignsTobacco Bill"

On Michael Jackson;

I am so sick of hearing about Michael Jackson being dead and turning on the TV only to be engulfed in *Breaking News* about the newest find in his case, wether it be his umpteenth false name he used found on pharmacy databases to get more prescription pain killers, or where his kids will go, or what is on his surfaced will, or any of it. I simply do not give a damn. Oh, he had a rough childhood? Welcome to America and the current modern day way of being raised. Oh, he had an addiction to painkillers? Well who's famous and not addicted to something? The point is, he is in no way a special case;

"Nearly 7 million Americans are abusing prescription drugs." - according to the US Drug Enforcement Administration (or the USDEA ).

Yes, He was a talented individual who changed the music industry (not necessarily saying that I personally was a fan), yes he was a talented dancer who opened up numerous possibilties for what was to come, and yes he created a movement for his time that can't be replicated and presently we may not have come to where we are in the music industry without him. But he's dead, yes its sad, but lets move on people.

I am just sick of it being the main focus of America's News Teams, when North Korea is threatening to blow us of the face of the planet.

Thursday July 2nd 2009

I swear that I am predisposed to failure. Everytime I start to get the smallest bit of motivation or excitement to go somewhere or change things for myself, My parents scoff with eachother in low voices ad whispers in the living room like I can't hear them. "I mean shes going to drive to tarpon springs? Really? Which means she has to leave by 7?" Pretty much to sum it up; Psh Yeah f***ing right she has no chance in hell, isn't going to do it, and is going to fuck shit up again. Why can't she just go to school where we want her to right by the house and take away all her excitement about going back to school in the fall? >:[

This weather I swear has been making me completely untolerable. Im so frustrated and angry and anxious and stressed out and Im not even sure at what or why. Most like with myself. I also have a sliver or something of the sort lodged into the depths of god know where in my left pointer finger and its swollen and not at all enjoyable. I really don't like waking up in these moods at all. It may be the bed that im sleeping on as well as the weather that is making me so miserable. Im really kind of just looking for something, some kind of connection to fill this void, this hole inside me that seems virtually impossible to fill. I need to find some sort of stability. I want someone who I know will just be there for me and I for them without bothering the living bejeezus out of them to tell me whats wrong or them with I. I want someone who just being with eachother is enough, no words required. I want something that doesn't make me feel vulnerable, or like an open wound waiting to be doused in rubbing alcohol, id rather much have someone who I have no problems or doubts about opening up to. Someone I have no problem trusting and just as equally trusts me. There are people like that up there. I just haven't met one that clicks with me or I click with.

The live with Regis and Kelly show is slowly putting me in a better mood, Kelly Ripa is absolutely adorable. Quirky, funny, sarcastic, and amazing all in her own.

Powerless.

Against this. I really have no controll over myself or anything I do.

Failure, Defeat, Acceptance?

I have no clue what to call it. Defeat is the most prominently loud one echoing in my head and in my thoughts. Im at a crossroads and unsure of which path to take. To stay where I am would mean to barely get by, to struggle and continue on blindly with no clue what my next move is. Scary, yet free at the same time.

To accept that I simply cannot meet the criteria for living on my own makes me feel like I've failed, yet again, at a seemingly simple challenge given to me by life. To go back to living with my mom makes me feel defeated by my own worst self, and even if I were to move back, Im not 100% sure that I would feel at home there. My room is gone [which is pretty fucked up may I mind you seeing as how my mom was the one who said "Give the apartment 3 months minimum in case it doesn't work out"... yeahhhhh] because my sister claimed it as hers before I even completely moved out and even though I told my mom it kind of bothered me, they let her do it anyway. Big surprise that she always gets what she wants. So I would be moving into her "old" room. Im sorry but that just isn't very welcoming to me and I don't even feel like they would want me there.

Unfortunately, I logically know that I just can't afford to make rent along with all of my other bills right now seeing as how work has drastically cut hours, and even though Im supposedly full time (40+hours) last week I barely hit 13. I cant independently live off of that. Im tired of going into insufficient funds and owing money I don't have because my employers are too selfish to dish any more hours out.

So those are the roads I stand at; Struggling to live self sufficiently, or admitting defeat and moving back home feeling unwelcome and very unsure and insecure in myself and my abilities. Im doubting everything. I really don't need this stress. I want every single thought, all the millions of them moving at millions of miles an hour in billions of directions, just out and stored somewhere. I need to quiet my head, there is way too much in it right now. I just need silence, peace and quiet and calm.

Bluntcard.com

Bluntcard.com

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Joe Jonas Dances to Single Ladies

I was pretty much disgusted once I got a whole minute through the video. I thought that he may actually have tried to learn her dance and put himself out of his element. But no. Instead he pretty much mocked one of the most talented successful artist's today. It was just disrespectful and awful. I don't even know what else to say, Im just as a loss of words at how this video lasts a whole 4 minutes. A whole 4 minutes of complete disrespect and dreadfulness. I am appalled and never ever would support these Jonas brothers in any way shape form. To all you little teeny-boppers who support them, you are sadly mistaken of what talent is, but it most certainly is not that^^

Back to square one.

I don't want one setback, one misuse of behavior, one bad choice in coping mechanisms, to put me in another seemingly endless rut. I don't want to go back to that black hole that only gets more deep and dark as you fail to achieve the simple goals you set for yourself, getting more hopeless and disappointed at each failed attempt. I need to realize that I AM a perfectionist in some aspects and when I do make a mistake, it's not the end of the world, I just need to start from that point and move forward. Not dwell on the past for endless hours and days and weeks. I just have to accept that shit happens, it's going to be a rough rocky road, but hopefully one that leads to a peaceful serene beach where I can breathe. One where the fog doesn't occupy the space around me as well as my mind. Where the clarity of my thoughts is as crystal as the water in front of me. This too shall pass, and whatever I have to endure is suppose to happen. Hopefully it will help me to grow and learn and will be worth it in the end... Im just not sure which end Im exactly talking about. I know there are plenty of people who doubt me, and some who act as if their rooting, but secretly hope I fail for gossip's sake. I can only think of one person in my life who truly comprehends what I go through and understands how bad the desire to breathe can be. Only one person who just gets it. And for that I am thankful, thankful for the simplicity of just having eachother. It's nice knowing that Im not completely alone in this, and just that little bit of assurance makes hoping a little bit easier, makes everything a little more hopeful. One day at a time, One mistake learned from after another, one inititative choice to move forward, and keep pressing on.

Hope, Realizations, Serenity, and Fear.

The past three and 1/2 days have been interesting. Im happy, hopeful, reluctant, scared, and self doubting all at the same time. A complete melting pot of emotions that Im not even positive that I can accurately identify. For the most part though, I feel proud of myself.

Hope; I have found hope in daily funtionality. I have a lot more potential then I realized or gave myself credit for.

Realizations; That there are so many more important things in life that I have been missing out on, that I want to be a part of and actually live, not just exist through them. That I can't just keep running and need to face life and reality, and yes growing up. That my family is my ground, through thick and thin, good times and bad. That without them and a very few select people I wouldn't have realized any of this.

Serenity; Finding the calm and peace after the storm has passed and living in the now, not the yesterday, the previous hour, or worrying about future events that I have no control over.

Fear; That minute reminder and annoyance that causes my stress. Fear that the most miniscule event could set me off and put me right back to square one. Fear that I am actually starting to let go, face the music and having to grow up. Fear of having nothing to hide with.

I find myself being most at peace when I'm at starbucks.

I know that it's a dumb. But nobody bothers me here.

Riding me of stress is key to Recovery....

The Economy.

Everyone needs to stop being so afraid of spending their money. You can't take it with you when you croak. Let's get out of this fucking rut.

On Money.

Money certainly helps with a lot of things, but it isn't everything. Don't let money be the definition of your value in life, for you may be rich in luxuries, but poor in value and experience.

Murphy's Law.

Of course there would be the tiniest girl I have seen in quite some time at Starbucks this morning on the day that I decide to debate getting better, I mean she is absolute sagging skin at the knees with bulbous knee caps and toothpick arms and legs. The lanugo hair covering her ams as she tries to cover it with bug like sun glasses, a scarf head-band and a baggy shirt-dress. Its as if she's trying to emulate nicole Richie to a perfection.. oh irony. Sometimes life is so hard.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

You are torn between wanting to get out and do something that takes you far away or staying at home and isolating yourself from the rest of the world. But neither of these extremes will work as you probably have your regular responsibilities to handle today. Others may not even realize your current dissatisfaction for you are masterful now at covering your unfulfilled desires with apparent busyness. Just don't be so clever that you also mislead yourself.

On Hypocrisy;

In my experience, at least for me this is a valid statement;

Everyone is a hypocrite to their own demise.

We are all handicapped, limited to, and biased by our own experiences. Sometimes the words of advice that come out of my mouth flow so eloquently, and inspire beyond my years, yet it's far easier to say than to actually do. Actions speak louder than words. I am probably the biggest hypocrite that I know.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

It's hard work to stay focused on your interactions with others when you have so much going on within your own mind. It makes sense to channel your internal noise into a creative channel if possible, rather than dispersing your energy. Don't worry if someone thinks you're being too serious now, for you have more important things to do than pretending that you're interested in social banter. Just tell the truth; your friends expect that from you anyway.

Meat: Eco-friendly?

(unknown source) examines the “greenness” of our addiction to red meat:

"Meat is not sweet, ecologically speaking. According to an extensive U.N. report from 2006, the livestock industry not only uses more land than any other human activity; it’s also one of the largest contributors to water pollution and a bigger source of greenhouse-gas emissions than all the world’s trains, planes, and automobiles combined.
You can do a lot for the planet simply by cutting back your overall meat intake—food writer Michael Pollan recently suggested that if Americans went meatless one night a week, it would be equivalent to taking “30 to 40 million cars off the road for a year.”

As a general rule, red meat—beef, lamb, goat, and bison—are the worst offenders. A recent report for Defra, the British government’s environmental authority, compared common animal products across seven categories: use of energy, pesticides, land, and nonrenewable resources; and impacts on global warming, acidification, and eutrophication (a kind of water pollution in which excess nutrients lead to fish-killing algae blooms).

Beef and lamb got the poorest marks of all meats in terms of energy usage, global warming, and eutrophication. Beef also used the most land, had the highest acidification impacts, and came close to the bottom in the remaining categories. Lamb did better, though—in fact, it scored the highest of all meats in terms of pesticide and nonrenewable resource usage. All in all, chicken and turkey were the greenest meats surveyed.

Now you know."


I am no longer a Vegetarian, and when I was it was due to the desire to better my health. As I read this as a non-vegetarian, I do not plan on switching back to vegetarianism, but it does make you double think things. There has to be a better way to do things. This just isn't healthy for the planet. We are creating our own demise and downfall.

Im beginning to realize that as time goes by, events happen, and surroundings change, so do the people in them. Look back in your life; how many of your friends are the same as they were 2 years ago? Let alone how many of those friends that you had two years ago are still in your life? I still have yet to find who I am, and I don't plan on it for a while. Im too indecisive, and too submissive. I care too much about others to focus on myself, I care about a lot of people that most likely don't give two seconds of thought throughout their day to me. But that doesn't matter to me because they owe me nothing. They didn't ask me to care, I do because I want to, because making people happy and doing things for them that make their day is something I'm good at.

I think all journals/diaries/blogs/whatever records of time/thought/experience/events begin with intent on keeping a detailed chronological event on what one thinks about, what provokes them with enough inspiration to to put those ideas and thoughts in their head out into the world. More often than not they start with multiple daily entries, and slowly fade and dissipate to few and far between. I want to make a blog that can inspire people, that people will want to read, that can make a change. My problem; I don't know what to blog about. I guess you could call me a perfectionist in that I haven't written merely because I feel that I don't feel qualified and informed enough about anything to feel as if I have any right to impose my opinions onto others. I just want to make an impact. I want to make others think and I want them to feel as if what they have just read has inspired them to do something, anything. I just need something to write about...