To accept that I simply cannot meet the criteria for living on my own makes me feel like I've failed, yet again, at a seemingly simple challenge given to me by life. To go back to living with my mom makes me feel defeated by my own worst self, and even if I were to move back, Im not 100% sure that I would feel at home there. My room is gone [which is pretty fucked up may I mind you seeing as how my mom was the one who said "Give the apartment 3 months minimum in case it doesn't work out"... yeahhhhh] because my sister claimed it as hers before I even completely moved out and even though I told my mom it kind of bothered me, they let her do it anyway. Big surprise that she always gets what she wants. So I would be moving into her "old" room. Im sorry but that just isn't very welcoming to me and I don't even feel like they would want me there.
Unfortunately, I logically know that I just can't afford to make rent along with all of my other bills right now seeing as how work has drastically cut hours, and even though Im supposedly full time (40+hours) last week I barely hit 13. I cant independently live off of that. Im tired of going into insufficient funds and owing money I don't have because my employers are too selfish to dish any more hours out.
So those are the roads I stand at; Struggling to live self sufficiently, or admitting defeat and moving back home feeling unwelcome and very unsure and insecure in myself and my abilities. Im doubting everything. I really don't need this stress. I want every single thought, all the millions of them moving at millions of miles an hour in billions of directions, just out and stored somewhere. I need to quiet my head, there is way too much in it right now. I just need silence, peace and quiet and calm.
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