Perfection is a perfect hell.

Im fighting these urges in my head like you couldn't even begin to comprehend. It's so sad that I had half a cup of rice and about a cup of this buffalo chicken that was cubed and cooked in a crock pot that my mom made. I just had a little bit. Now I want to devour the rest of it and then go and eat more. It's ridiculous. I cant stand this vicious cycle anymore, I cant stand the pain and the loathing and the self hatred. I cant stand not being able to just eat and be normal, how in my head I am. Why can't I just love myself to accept that people eat to be able to live and eating a little bit is not going to make me gain? I think what's really getting to me is the feeling that I lost control. That feeling of not being able to control what is going to come out of my body, that My body is controlling how it is ingested. That I cant control getting rid of the anxiety and stress. I feel like I am just totally at a loss of say in my life. I don't want to give this up but I know I need to. The feeling of being scared is what is scaring me. I don't know anything different. I feel scared right now. Scared because I don't want to binge but scared because if I don't binge I cant purge and In my head if I don't purge, then I don't know, i've lost control and Im going to gain everything back overnight and be fat and chubby and unattractive. I just want to not gain and in my head if I purge ill keep losing. But realistically I know that hasn't been working. It just makes me fluctuate and its all mainly water weight. I want to get better, I have to get better. I cant keep going on like this. Im not going to lose weight by purging. Its just not going to happen. So what, I'm losing control, was I ever actually in it to begin with?