Thursday July 2nd 2009

I swear that I am predisposed to failure. Everytime I start to get the smallest bit of motivation or excitement to go somewhere or change things for myself, My parents scoff with eachother in low voices ad whispers in the living room like I can't hear them. "I mean shes going to drive to tarpon springs? Really? Which means she has to leave by 7?" Pretty much to sum it up; Psh Yeah f***ing right she has no chance in hell, isn't going to do it, and is going to fuck shit up again. Why can't she just go to school where we want her to right by the house and take away all her excitement about going back to school in the fall? >:[

This weather I swear has been making me completely untolerable. Im so frustrated and angry and anxious and stressed out and Im not even sure at what or why. Most like with myself. I also have a sliver or something of the sort lodged into the depths of god know where in my left pointer finger and its swollen and not at all enjoyable. I really don't like waking up in these moods at all. It may be the bed that im sleeping on as well as the weather that is making me so miserable. Im really kind of just looking for something, some kind of connection to fill this void, this hole inside me that seems virtually impossible to fill. I need to find some sort of stability. I want someone who I know will just be there for me and I for them without bothering the living bejeezus out of them to tell me whats wrong or them with I. I want someone who just being with eachother is enough, no words required. I want something that doesn't make me feel vulnerable, or like an open wound waiting to be doused in rubbing alcohol, id rather much have someone who I have no problems or doubts about opening up to. Someone I have no problem trusting and just as equally trusts me. There are people like that up there. I just haven't met one that clicks with me or I click with.

The live with Regis and Kelly show is slowly putting me in a better mood, Kelly Ripa is absolutely adorable. Quirky, funny, sarcastic, and amazing all in her own.

Powerless.

Against this. I really have no controll over myself or anything I do.

Failure, Defeat, Acceptance?

I have no clue what to call it. Defeat is the most prominently loud one echoing in my head and in my thoughts. Im at a crossroads and unsure of which path to take. To stay where I am would mean to barely get by, to struggle and continue on blindly with no clue what my next move is. Scary, yet free at the same time.

To accept that I simply cannot meet the criteria for living on my own makes me feel like I've failed, yet again, at a seemingly simple challenge given to me by life. To go back to living with my mom makes me feel defeated by my own worst self, and even if I were to move back, Im not 100% sure that I would feel at home there. My room is gone [which is pretty fucked up may I mind you seeing as how my mom was the one who said "Give the apartment 3 months minimum in case it doesn't work out"... yeahhhhh] because my sister claimed it as hers before I even completely moved out and even though I told my mom it kind of bothered me, they let her do it anyway. Big surprise that she always gets what she wants. So I would be moving into her "old" room. Im sorry but that just isn't very welcoming to me and I don't even feel like they would want me there.

Unfortunately, I logically know that I just can't afford to make rent along with all of my other bills right now seeing as how work has drastically cut hours, and even though Im supposedly full time (40+hours) last week I barely hit 13. I cant independently live off of that. Im tired of going into insufficient funds and owing money I don't have because my employers are too selfish to dish any more hours out.

So those are the roads I stand at; Struggling to live self sufficiently, or admitting defeat and moving back home feeling unwelcome and very unsure and insecure in myself and my abilities. Im doubting everything. I really don't need this stress. I want every single thought, all the millions of them moving at millions of miles an hour in billions of directions, just out and stored somewhere. I need to quiet my head, there is way too much in it right now. I just need silence, peace and quiet and calm.

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Joe Jonas Dances to Single Ladies

I was pretty much disgusted once I got a whole minute through the video. I thought that he may actually have tried to learn her dance and put himself out of his element. But no. Instead he pretty much mocked one of the most talented successful artist's today. It was just disrespectful and awful. I don't even know what else to say, Im just as a loss of words at how this video lasts a whole 4 minutes. A whole 4 minutes of complete disrespect and dreadfulness. I am appalled and never ever would support these Jonas brothers in any way shape form. To all you little teeny-boppers who support them, you are sadly mistaken of what talent is, but it most certainly is not that^^

Back to square one.

I don't want one setback, one misuse of behavior, one bad choice in coping mechanisms, to put me in another seemingly endless rut. I don't want to go back to that black hole that only gets more deep and dark as you fail to achieve the simple goals you set for yourself, getting more hopeless and disappointed at each failed attempt. I need to realize that I AM a perfectionist in some aspects and when I do make a mistake, it's not the end of the world, I just need to start from that point and move forward. Not dwell on the past for endless hours and days and weeks. I just have to accept that shit happens, it's going to be a rough rocky road, but hopefully one that leads to a peaceful serene beach where I can breathe. One where the fog doesn't occupy the space around me as well as my mind. Where the clarity of my thoughts is as crystal as the water in front of me. This too shall pass, and whatever I have to endure is suppose to happen. Hopefully it will help me to grow and learn and will be worth it in the end... Im just not sure which end Im exactly talking about. I know there are plenty of people who doubt me, and some who act as if their rooting, but secretly hope I fail for gossip's sake. I can only think of one person in my life who truly comprehends what I go through and understands how bad the desire to breathe can be. Only one person who just gets it. And for that I am thankful, thankful for the simplicity of just having eachother. It's nice knowing that Im not completely alone in this, and just that little bit of assurance makes hoping a little bit easier, makes everything a little more hopeful. One day at a time, One mistake learned from after another, one inititative choice to move forward, and keep pressing on.

Hope, Realizations, Serenity, and Fear.

The past three and 1/2 days have been interesting. Im happy, hopeful, reluctant, scared, and self doubting all at the same time. A complete melting pot of emotions that Im not even positive that I can accurately identify. For the most part though, I feel proud of myself.

Hope; I have found hope in daily funtionality. I have a lot more potential then I realized or gave myself credit for.

Realizations; That there are so many more important things in life that I have been missing out on, that I want to be a part of and actually live, not just exist through them. That I can't just keep running and need to face life and reality, and yes growing up. That my family is my ground, through thick and thin, good times and bad. That without them and a very few select people I wouldn't have realized any of this.

Serenity; Finding the calm and peace after the storm has passed and living in the now, not the yesterday, the previous hour, or worrying about future events that I have no control over.

Fear; That minute reminder and annoyance that causes my stress. Fear that the most miniscule event could set me off and put me right back to square one. Fear that I am actually starting to let go, face the music and having to grow up. Fear of having nothing to hide with.