Perfection is a perfect hell.

Im fighting these urges in my head like you couldn't even begin to comprehend. It's so sad that I had half a cup of rice and about a cup of this buffalo chicken that was cubed and cooked in a crock pot that my mom made. I just had a little bit. Now I want to devour the rest of it and then go and eat more. It's ridiculous. I cant stand this vicious cycle anymore, I cant stand the pain and the loathing and the self hatred. I cant stand not being able to just eat and be normal, how in my head I am. Why can't I just love myself to accept that people eat to be able to live and eating a little bit is not going to make me gain? I think what's really getting to me is the feeling that I lost control. That feeling of not being able to control what is going to come out of my body, that My body is controlling how it is ingested. That I cant control getting rid of the anxiety and stress. I feel like I am just totally at a loss of say in my life. I don't want to give this up but I know I need to. The feeling of being scared is what is scaring me. I don't know anything different. I feel scared right now. Scared because I don't want to binge but scared because if I don't binge I cant purge and In my head if I don't purge, then I don't know, i've lost control and Im going to gain everything back overnight and be fat and chubby and unattractive. I just want to not gain and in my head if I purge ill keep losing. But realistically I know that hasn't been working. It just makes me fluctuate and its all mainly water weight. I want to get better, I have to get better. I cant keep going on like this. Im not going to lose weight by purging. Its just not going to happen. So what, I'm losing control, was I ever actually in it to begin with?

Control.

Attacking me on something I said when I was frustrated is not fair. What's even worse is that you make me feel like inadequate person. Then you go into your room with your husband and shut the door.. when im sitting right there in the living room. Like I dont know your going to bitch about me? Go ahead, try and make me do something, and ill cling onto this for dear fucking life. Ill go so low you'll want to hospitalize me. I know what im capable of and honestly I dont give a shit anymore. Ill be damned if your going to try to tell me who I am going to be and what Im going to do just because you say I will. Fuck Your Shit. Ill do this however I damn well please.

Obama SignsTobacco Bill -- Politics Daily

Obama SignsTobacco Bill -- Politics Daily: "Obama SignsTobacco Bill"

On Michael Jackson;

I am so sick of hearing about Michael Jackson being dead and turning on the TV only to be engulfed in *Breaking News* about the newest find in his case, wether it be his umpteenth false name he used found on pharmacy databases to get more prescription pain killers, or where his kids will go, or what is on his surfaced will, or any of it. I simply do not give a damn. Oh, he had a rough childhood? Welcome to America and the current modern day way of being raised. Oh, he had an addiction to painkillers? Well who's famous and not addicted to something? The point is, he is in no way a special case;

"Nearly 7 million Americans are abusing prescription drugs." - according to the US Drug Enforcement Administration (or the USDEA ).

Yes, He was a talented individual who changed the music industry (not necessarily saying that I personally was a fan), yes he was a talented dancer who opened up numerous possibilties for what was to come, and yes he created a movement for his time that can't be replicated and presently we may not have come to where we are in the music industry without him. But he's dead, yes its sad, but lets move on people.

I am just sick of it being the main focus of America's News Teams, when North Korea is threatening to blow us of the face of the planet.

Thursday July 2nd 2009

I swear that I am predisposed to failure. Everytime I start to get the smallest bit of motivation or excitement to go somewhere or change things for myself, My parents scoff with eachother in low voices ad whispers in the living room like I can't hear them. "I mean shes going to drive to tarpon springs? Really? Which means she has to leave by 7?" Pretty much to sum it up; Psh Yeah f***ing right she has no chance in hell, isn't going to do it, and is going to fuck shit up again. Why can't she just go to school where we want her to right by the house and take away all her excitement about going back to school in the fall? >:[

This weather I swear has been making me completely untolerable. Im so frustrated and angry and anxious and stressed out and Im not even sure at what or why. Most like with myself. I also have a sliver or something of the sort lodged into the depths of god know where in my left pointer finger and its swollen and not at all enjoyable. I really don't like waking up in these moods at all. It may be the bed that im sleeping on as well as the weather that is making me so miserable. Im really kind of just looking for something, some kind of connection to fill this void, this hole inside me that seems virtually impossible to fill. I need to find some sort of stability. I want someone who I know will just be there for me and I for them without bothering the living bejeezus out of them to tell me whats wrong or them with I. I want someone who just being with eachother is enough, no words required. I want something that doesn't make me feel vulnerable, or like an open wound waiting to be doused in rubbing alcohol, id rather much have someone who I have no problems or doubts about opening up to. Someone I have no problem trusting and just as equally trusts me. There are people like that up there. I just haven't met one that clicks with me or I click with.

The live with Regis and Kelly show is slowly putting me in a better mood, Kelly Ripa is absolutely adorable. Quirky, funny, sarcastic, and amazing all in her own.

Powerless.

Against this. I really have no controll over myself or anything I do.

Failure, Defeat, Acceptance?

I have no clue what to call it. Defeat is the most prominently loud one echoing in my head and in my thoughts. Im at a crossroads and unsure of which path to take. To stay where I am would mean to barely get by, to struggle and continue on blindly with no clue what my next move is. Scary, yet free at the same time.

To accept that I simply cannot meet the criteria for living on my own makes me feel like I've failed, yet again, at a seemingly simple challenge given to me by life. To go back to living with my mom makes me feel defeated by my own worst self, and even if I were to move back, Im not 100% sure that I would feel at home there. My room is gone [which is pretty fucked up may I mind you seeing as how my mom was the one who said "Give the apartment 3 months minimum in case it doesn't work out"... yeahhhhh] because my sister claimed it as hers before I even completely moved out and even though I told my mom it kind of bothered me, they let her do it anyway. Big surprise that she always gets what she wants. So I would be moving into her "old" room. Im sorry but that just isn't very welcoming to me and I don't even feel like they would want me there.

Unfortunately, I logically know that I just can't afford to make rent along with all of my other bills right now seeing as how work has drastically cut hours, and even though Im supposedly full time (40+hours) last week I barely hit 13. I cant independently live off of that. Im tired of going into insufficient funds and owing money I don't have because my employers are too selfish to dish any more hours out.

So those are the roads I stand at; Struggling to live self sufficiently, or admitting defeat and moving back home feeling unwelcome and very unsure and insecure in myself and my abilities. Im doubting everything. I really don't need this stress. I want every single thought, all the millions of them moving at millions of miles an hour in billions of directions, just out and stored somewhere. I need to quiet my head, there is way too much in it right now. I just need silence, peace and quiet and calm.