Back to square one.

I don't want one setback, one misuse of behavior, one bad choice in coping mechanisms, to put me in another seemingly endless rut. I don't want to go back to that black hole that only gets more deep and dark as you fail to achieve the simple goals you set for yourself, getting more hopeless and disappointed at each failed attempt. I need to realize that I AM a perfectionist in some aspects and when I do make a mistake, it's not the end of the world, I just need to start from that point and move forward. Not dwell on the past for endless hours and days and weeks. I just have to accept that shit happens, it's going to be a rough rocky road, but hopefully one that leads to a peaceful serene beach where I can breathe. One where the fog doesn't occupy the space around me as well as my mind. Where the clarity of my thoughts is as crystal as the water in front of me. This too shall pass, and whatever I have to endure is suppose to happen. Hopefully it will help me to grow and learn and will be worth it in the end... Im just not sure which end Im exactly talking about. I know there are plenty of people who doubt me, and some who act as if their rooting, but secretly hope I fail for gossip's sake. I can only think of one person in my life who truly comprehends what I go through and understands how bad the desire to breathe can be. Only one person who just gets it. And for that I am thankful, thankful for the simplicity of just having eachother. It's nice knowing that Im not completely alone in this, and just that little bit of assurance makes hoping a little bit easier, makes everything a little more hopeful. One day at a time, One mistake learned from after another, one inititative choice to move forward, and keep pressing on.

Hope, Realizations, Serenity, and Fear.

The past three and 1/2 days have been interesting. Im happy, hopeful, reluctant, scared, and self doubting all at the same time. A complete melting pot of emotions that Im not even positive that I can accurately identify. For the most part though, I feel proud of myself.

Hope; I have found hope in daily funtionality. I have a lot more potential then I realized or gave myself credit for.

Realizations; That there are so many more important things in life that I have been missing out on, that I want to be a part of and actually live, not just exist through them. That I can't just keep running and need to face life and reality, and yes growing up. That my family is my ground, through thick and thin, good times and bad. That without them and a very few select people I wouldn't have realized any of this.

Serenity; Finding the calm and peace after the storm has passed and living in the now, not the yesterday, the previous hour, or worrying about future events that I have no control over.

Fear; That minute reminder and annoyance that causes my stress. Fear that the most miniscule event could set me off and put me right back to square one. Fear that I am actually starting to let go, face the music and having to grow up. Fear of having nothing to hide with.

I find myself being most at peace when I'm at starbucks.

I know that it's a dumb. But nobody bothers me here.

Riding me of stress is key to Recovery....

The Economy.

Everyone needs to stop being so afraid of spending their money. You can't take it with you when you croak. Let's get out of this fucking rut.

On Money.

Money certainly helps with a lot of things, but it isn't everything. Don't let money be the definition of your value in life, for you may be rich in luxuries, but poor in value and experience.

Murphy's Law.

Of course there would be the tiniest girl I have seen in quite some time at Starbucks this morning on the day that I decide to debate getting better, I mean she is absolute sagging skin at the knees with bulbous knee caps and toothpick arms and legs. The lanugo hair covering her ams as she tries to cover it with bug like sun glasses, a scarf head-band and a baggy shirt-dress. Its as if she's trying to emulate nicole Richie to a perfection.. oh irony. Sometimes life is so hard.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

You are torn between wanting to get out and do something that takes you far away or staying at home and isolating yourself from the rest of the world. But neither of these extremes will work as you probably have your regular responsibilities to handle today. Others may not even realize your current dissatisfaction for you are masterful now at covering your unfulfilled desires with apparent busyness. Just don't be so clever that you also mislead yourself.

On Hypocrisy;

In my experience, at least for me this is a valid statement;

Everyone is a hypocrite to their own demise.

We are all handicapped, limited to, and biased by our own experiences. Sometimes the words of advice that come out of my mouth flow so eloquently, and inspire beyond my years, yet it's far easier to say than to actually do. Actions speak louder than words. I am probably the biggest hypocrite that I know.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

It's hard work to stay focused on your interactions with others when you have so much going on within your own mind. It makes sense to channel your internal noise into a creative channel if possible, rather than dispersing your energy. Don't worry if someone thinks you're being too serious now, for you have more important things to do than pretending that you're interested in social banter. Just tell the truth; your friends expect that from you anyway.